Schedule for Friday, 7 April
6AM- Wake up
6:01- Get out of bed
6:03:00-6:03:15- Descend stairs (subtract 14sec. If pushed by partner. Adjust following times accordingly.)
6:04- 6:07- Eat Swiss muesli for breakfeast. (Add 1min30sec for toast. Adjust following times accordingly)
6:07-6:10- Go to bathroom. (Add 3min if constipated. Adjust following times accordingly.)
6:10-6:12- Shower
6:12-6:14- Get dressed. Go “commando” to save time
6:14-6:17- Motivational moment. Listen to “Love Lifts Us Up” by Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker
6:17-6:20- Walk dog (briskly). Leave poo in park to save time.
6:20-10:30- Write schedule for Saturday. Post on blog.
10:30-11:00- Send positive reinforcement to Martin via e-mail.
11:00-1:00- Work on portfolio.
1:00-1:10- Insert nasogastric tube. Push lunch of pureed steak and kidney pie.
1:10-1:12- Bathroom break
1:12-1:15- Relax.
1:15-1:18- Motivational moment. Listen to “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper.
1:18-3:00- Work on portfolio
3:00-3:02- Bathroom break
3:02-3:30- Compose threatening letter to therapist (anonymously)
3:30-3:35- Self-tattoo exhibition reminder on left forearm
3:35-3:40- Insert Foley catheter to avoid further bathroom breaks.
3:40-4:00- Work on portfolio
4:00-4:30- Watch “Countdown”
4:30-6:00- Work on portfolio
6:00-6:05- Cup hand to ear, tilt head, listen for extraterrestrial messages
6:05-6:15- Ignore hosepipe ban. Water neighbour’s garden over fence
6:15-6:20- Report neighbour to Thames Water
6:20-6:30- Beam positive reinforcement to Martin via telekinetic powers
6:30-6:45- Inspect local fauna for symptoms of bird flu
6:45-6:50- Report positive results to Board of Health
6:50-8:00- Work on portfolio
8:00-8:10- Inject liquefied spag bol via continuous i.v. drip
8:10-8:13- Motivational moment. Listen to “Snowbird” by Anne Murray
8:14-9:00- Work on portfolio
9:00-9:30- Search for fossil evidence of “missing link” in neighbour’s garden.
9:30-9:35- Report promising find to Archaeology Now!
9:35-9:40- Brush dog. Save fur for potential use in future project
9:40-9:45- Buy bottle of Turning Leaf Chardonnay at corner store. Consume on premises to save time.
9:45-9:50- Relax
9:50-9:53- Motivational Moment. Listen to “My Sharona” by the Knack
9:53-9:59- Work on portfolio
9:59-10:00- Screen and ignore urgent phone call from mother
10:00-02:00- Work on portfolio
02:00- Push out Selina’s boat
02:00-02:03- Empty Foley Catheter
02:03-02:07- Take Ambien (x6) to aid sleep
02:07- Go to bed
02:07-02:09- Go to sleep. Listen to “Pulse of the Maggots” by Slipknot